"88% of Men Are Dogs" (Savannah, GA)

      July has been a very busy time for me, which is the first time I can EVER say that in my career!  Thank God!  I normally dread this time of year since summer is typically the dead season for comedy, because according to bookers, "You can't compete with outside".  How about TRYING?  Everybody doesn't like to be out sweating their fake tans and weaves out ya know, what about those demographics?  If you can't compete with outside then WHY are all the biggest movies released during the summer?  I think heatwaves can be a comedy club's best friend, not it's main competition.  Nothing like going out to an air-conditioned room for 2hrs instead of wondering why your balls feel like pot-stickers...but I digress as usual...

      To kick off my shows for the month, I went down to the delta.  Savannah, GA.  It was a friggin' TREK getting there too!  Thanks to the lovely people at Alaska Airlines I got lodged in the middle of one heavy-set guy and one medically obese man.  I didn't even know that was still allowed.  They knew what they were doing was wrong because they warned me in line before I went to my seat.  You know, like how they talk to you when you sit in an exit row?  Instead of telling me how to inflate my vest they showed me the best places to hide my snacks while sleeping (that's a lie, but tell me you're not thinking of a stewardess doing that as part of her demo before take-off.  Made me giggle when I wrote it.)  They actually did give me a heads-up though, just so I wouldn't be surprised.  In reality, they should've charged the obese man for 2 seats (or at least given me half-off).  If you have a problem with my logic, buy a ticket from Seattle to Atlanta like I did.  Ever been in the back seat on a road trip and sat sideways between two bean bag chairs for 5hrs? No?  Ok, well imagine that feeling, but you're not allowed to get out of the car or else you'll DIE.  That was my predicament.  Adding insult to probable injury was the fact that I didn't even get a meal!  I got a damn "Breakfast Cookie".  How dare you give me a COOKIE and call it breakfast?!  Maybe if the flight was a little longer I could've gotten a Lunch Biscuit too (actually Delta DOES that.  They call it Biscoff...ha)

      Regardless of my troubles, after I landed in Atlanta I made it into Savannah with no problems.  I got set up with a 62 year old black cab driver named Chester.  He picked me up at the airport and dropped me back off there after the club let out at 3am.  Once he found out I was a comic he just started cussin' up a storm!  I have him on the blog here, but I had to edit out some of the stuff he said...(want a sample?  SURE! Glad you asked!...So like most strangers I meet, I like to start out by telling them my theory on how Oprah is responsible for the Bulls losing in the Eastern Conference Finals this year, and he stopped me dead in my tracks and said "Bullshit!  I LOVE Oprah's fine ass!  I'd eat her pussy in Times Square boy!"...(Needless to say I was offended.  I mean honestly, how dare he call me "boy"?! I'm a grown ass MAN!)  I filmed him at 3am when he picked me back up that night and he was a lot less edgy.  Probably because he was dog tired. But still pretty funny.  Now, about the highlight of my evening...

My new friend The Great :)
During my 2nd show that night there were some people in the front row being a little chatty, so I started talking to them since I don't like to be left out, me being on stage and all.  Turns out they were talking about the same thing I was, but LOUDER.  I was talking about how Taco Bell is so proud of the fact that their beef is 88% REAL BEEF, and the other 12% is their secret recipe.  To which I SAY, how would you like to go on a date with a woman, only to find out she's 88% female, and the other 12% is her little secret?  To which the men responded they would not like that at all.  To which one of the women in the front row maintained that men wouldn't care even if it was 50-50.  To which I responded "I didn't say SHIT about 50-50!  And even if I DID, I WOULD VERY MUCH CARE!  No one in here is talkin about Mermaid Pussy but YOU!"  Laughter, applause, and we moved on.  After that she was super cool and listened for the whole show.  I actually got to talk with her and her friend Lindsey (who has amazing new glasses that I promised I'd give a shout out to on here) for HOURS.  Had a blast!  The name of this blog is 88% of Men Are Dogs.  That's a direct quote from the woman I talked to (who shall remain "nameless" for permission purposes until you watch the video) :

Thanks Savannah!  Thanks Lindsey.  And thank YOU, The Great :)  Also, if you're ever in the area, check out The Wormhole.  They have something fun poppin' off there every night so there's never a dull moment.  PLUS it's next to a liquor store and a black barber shop, so how could you lose?! :)

Leave a comment

Add comment