Well it's 2:30 a.m. on a Wednesday morning and I can't sleep. Why? Because I have ALL the answers and no one is listening! I won't bore you with the nuances of NBA Free Agency and how it all works. Just know that the plans I've laid out for the teams below are pretty much infallible. Here are the Top 10 Free Agency moves that MUST be made in order for me to feel comfortable about the League going forward:
1. Miami Heat
Move: Sign Lebron James, then trade him to Cleveland's D-League affiliate.
Reasoning: He gets to come home, he is almost guaranteed to swing a max deal (involving money or whatever D-League players use as currency. My guess is either hot sandwiches or wholesale cigarette boxes). No one in the media would ever question his heart, competitive spirit or will to win again because no one from the media is ever at a D-League game unless their son is playing, and that's only if they're a starter. All the surroundings of home with none of the pressure, ESPN interviews, or general public notoriety that superstars clearly can't stand and aren't deliberately chasing after by delaying decisions long enough to hold the entire league hostage. Plus, they have no money or facilities available to hold an inappropriate party/rally to welcome The King to his new home, giving him more time to find out who stole the lenses out of all his eyeglass frames.
2. Chicago Bulls
Move: Trade Derrick Rose's signature Adidas shoes from both 2012 and 2013 for a pair of stripper high heels (preferably clear)
Reasoning: ...Kind of a toss-up on which shoes would be safer to wear on a court at this point wouldn't you say? I mean arguments can be made for all three, but none are without their doubts. My money's on the heels though. Never seen a stripper fall without bouncing right back up (and they're damn sure never out for the season, their pimps make sure of that).
3. New York Knicks
Move: Sign-and-trade the rights to Carmelo Anthony to TicketMaster for the rights to 100% of all ticket sales for the next Soulja Boy concert at Madison Square Garden.
Reasoning: This is a trade of equal value for all parties involved, as both Melo and Soulja Boy have been on a severe decline in value since 2009, and neither has been able to advance an NBA team out of the first round of the playoffs in that time as well. Not to mention given a rookie coach and the state of the Knick's roster next season, game attendance would be about the same as a Soulja Boy concert in 2015...maybe they should just combine the two? If Knicks management asks who's to blame for this predicament, look them in the eye and say "YOOOOOOOOU!" #CrankDatSalaryCap
4. Houston Rockets
Move: Trade two of Dwight Howard's current baby-mama court cases to Indiana for two future Lance Stephenson court cases to be named later.
Reasoning: Oh it's coming, mark my words. Lance is a fool NOW, (in my best Rick James voice: "Wait til they give dat %&#$@ MONEY!")
5. L.A. Clippers
Move: Change the name of the team to the L.A. Instagram, and trade everyone except for J.J. Reddick.
Reasoning: Donald Sterling will drop his lawsuit and willingly sell the team without conflict as he can now be assured there are literally no more blacks involved with the Instagram organization. Also, before he drops the suit, he should probably take a jab at another race of people for good measure, given that his comments about blacks alone upped the franchise's value from $700 million to $2 BILLION in the span of just 4 months! That's a 300% return on investment! For Sterling's next racial rant, I recommend the Chinese over the blacks given China's booming economy, paired with the recent decline of black value due to the release of Chris Brown from jail last month. #TheseProsAintLoyal
6. L.A. Lakers
Move: Sign Beyonce's sister Solange Knowles to a 10-Day player contract with General Manager option.
Reasoning: Due to recent developments, Kobe's explosiveness is in question. Also due to recent developments, Solange's explosiveness is not. Put the two of them on the court and who knows what could happen? All I know is just the thought of it makes me excited, and makes Jay-Z reach for a cell phone. Cut the audio off on the game tape when she's on the court too, because sometimes it's just more fun to speculate what the hell is on her mind at any given time. I think it's just the right push Kobe needs to be challenged to return to his old form. Once the Mamba is at full health, send her up to the front office to help with personnel decisions made by Laker management. She'll fit right in too, because as the hiring of Mike Dantoni when you could have had Phil Jackson has shown us, their elevator doesn't make it to the top floor either.
7. Denver Nuggets
Move: Move team to Seattle for one year. Then back to Denver one year. Then back to Seattle. Then back to Denver...
Reasoning: Puff-Puff-PASS bro! It's completely legal for both cities to make this arrangement I'm told. Not to mention it would be kind of fun to see if anyone in either city would even notice for the first couple months. Don't mess up the rotation like last time Seattle.
8. Utah Jazz
Move: Hold training camp at LDS headquarters in Salt Lake City, and force all rookies to go on missions.
Reasoning: The Jazz are clearly in rebuilding mode, and no player drafted this year is going to be effective until a good two years from now anyway, so they might as well have them make good use of their time elsewhere. Plus who better than Mormons on a mission to teach you how to protect against people cutting backdoor on you all the time???...
9. Detroit Pistons
Move: Do whatever you want this offseason, won't make a difference.
Reasoning: (See Team Location)
10. Philidelphia 76ers
Move: Trade rights to 2014 draft pick Joel Embiid and 2013 draft pick Nerlens Noel for video footage of Andrew Bynum during the 2012 free agency period, small popcorn, and a large drink.
Reasoning: Just wondering if you've seen this movie before already. Thought it might help:
ANYWAY, my eyes are getting heavy again, so I better get back to bed. But in conclusion, with these moves done by the end of the month, I am CONFIDENT the league will return to its former glory...You're Welcome NBA!!! Happy Free Agency!!!