The Heist 12/10/15


Welp, my car got broken into. The perpetrator rummaged through all of my belongings, and made out with my checkbooks. Yes, my checkbooks. The perpetrator also went through the back of my car and into the spare tire well, because I guess that's where he thought I kept my time machine. The one I use to go back to 1972 when checks were relevant enough to steal. I keep the checkbooks in my car almost sarcastically in case of emergency. Truth be told, I had no reaction. I was due. My car stays unlocked too often. It's a carryover from not having anything of value to steal from my car. No cash, no jewelry. No rims. No blackness. But you know who does have some blackness???...I'm not gonna say it. I'm not. I'm just gonna say...he stole my crown royal bag of change. Take my comments how you will, but there's only one race of people who collect crown royal bags...and he took the one I had already collected in my possession...What a lazy ass burglar. What happened to the good ol days when theives brought their OWN BAG to a robbery???

You can have my checkbooks, you can have my change...but you should have left the damn bag.

Now, onto the EVEN MORE ridiculous exploits of our time traveling theif Marty McFleek...

Both cologne bottles I had were strewn about, but not taken.  My sunglasses were also strewn, but not taken, along with my 3-prong cigarette hole charger (do people still use that hole to light their cigarettes in cars? You know the charger hole I'm talking about right? Anyway...). Strewn. Not taken. This idiot rummaged so much, he FOUND my bluetooth earpiece I thought I had lost a loooong time ago...he left that too. Does this mean I have to report a robbery AND a finding??? This vexed me indeed.

I know its twisted, but I've never felt more uncool. This guy stole a crown royal bag, but left my ipod radio adapter...He must have been so overwhelmed by the amount of outdated technology I had in my car he just gave up. Then he took the checkbooks just so I knew he tried his best to rob me. Then he took the crown royal bag, because he knew that was probably a family heirloom. Jokes on him, no one EVER knows where the crown royal bag in their possession first came from, I'm sure it was a gift after a successful alcoholering.

..Did I mention I was home for less than a day?!

I was gone for a MONTH and left my car at the bus station parking lot, nobody bothered it. I come home for a DAY and this is the date McFleek had marked in his DeLorean...now I'm gone again. Not cool.

I've narrowed it down to an old black guy or an extremely cynical white hipster who needed to make some type of antique paper mache wallet made out of checkbook paper (btw...your glasses and suspenders have been done before, and his name was Steve Urkle)

...SERIOUSLY WHO STEALS A CHECKBOOK?! What was the end goal?! I would have given this person $20 to throw away all the useless old tech he threw around my car, and for finding my bluetooth earpiece.

...I want my bag back. It was my last link to keepin it street. Now everyone is gonna know I'm not hood. :(

Couple answers for you if you read this whole thing:

YES, I called the bank.

YES, I called the police.

YES we both laughed a little.

NO, I don't want to hear the word "new material" in your reply to me.

It's funny, but it's not funny. I got robbed by a time traveler...and I keep calling him black because I'm holding onto the notion that it might have been me from the future, shaking things up. Giving myself something interesting to talk about. :) (that's a sarcastic smile, I refuse to believe I am this non-annoyed about being robbed...but, meh. Keep it moving)

Happy Thursday Friends. Lock your cars.

-Alvin

3 comments

  • Chris

    Chris Portland

    Lololololololol......... lolololololol

    Lololololololol......... lolololololol

  • Momma Dana

    Momma Dana Lakeside, Arizona

    Omg!!! Havent laughed that hard since your last show!!!! But, on a brighter note I have a ton of Crown Royal bags I can send you friend!! Miss you Merry Christmas.....yup I said it!!! Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas love you Alvin

    Omg!!! Havent laughed that hard since your last show!!!! But, on a brighter note I have a ton of Crown Royal bags I can send you friend!! Miss you Merry Christmas.....yup I said it!!! Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas love you Alvin

  • Art

    Art Cascais, Portugal

    I am sorry to know that. My car was stolen also 200 meters from the police station. I had a bit more stolen from the inside.. a small laptop, all my school mandarin texts and 25 CD's of music, all (locked in the trunk), The locker was taken off. This was Easter night.. That night I spent 1 hour in the police filling up reports for car insurance (not for the things stollen). The next day, looking for clues around the car where it was parked, I found some relevant stuff. Went again to the police and said "I found something, have an idea and with your help we can get the thief".... their answer?.... "don't even bother" _ I mean, they din't EVEN CARE to know what I found or what my idea was.... Moral of the story?..... yeah. I think so too..

    I am sorry to know that. My car was stolen also 200 meters from the police station. I had a bit more stolen from the inside.. a small laptop, all my school mandarin texts and 25 CD's of music, all (locked in the trunk), The locker was taken off. This was Easter night.. That night I spent 1 hour in the police filling up reports for car insurance (not for the things stollen). The next day, looking for clues around the car where it was parked, I found some relevant stuff. Went again to the police and said "I found something, have an idea and with your help we can get the thief".... their answer?.... "don't even bother" _ I mean, they din't EVEN CARE to know what I found or what my idea was....
    Moral of the story?.....
    yeah. I think so too..

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